


Carpe Noctem

by anxietyfactory



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Awkward First Times, Blow Jobs, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, First Time Bottoming, Gay Panic, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Mutual Pining, Porn with Feelings, Rimming
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:42:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22732747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxietyfactory/pseuds/anxietyfactory
Summary: Neil lied back on Todd's bed. It smelled nice. It smelled like Todd. Todd. Neil let his mind wander to Todd's blonde hair and his cute little smile. Neil imagined what those lips would feel like pressed against his.Neil let his hand drift down to his crotch and palmed himself through his boxers, letting his mind get lost in the fantasy. He was just about to start jerking off in earnest when the door clicked open. Neil pulled his hand away and quickly stood at attention."Todd!"
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 20
Kudos: 107





	1. Pictures

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my little contribution to the tragically underrated anderperry ship. I hope you enjoy it! :)

No matter how hard he tried, Todd couldn't seem to fall asleep. He kept thinking about that dirty magazine Charlie had showed them in the cave and how excited all the other boys had been. Well...most of them. His roommate, it seemed, hadn't been very interested in the girls in the photos either. The whole thing had given him a lot to think about.  
"Neil?" he whispered.  
For a moment there was no answer, and Todd thought somewhat dejectedly that perhaps his inquiries would have to wait. Then at last he heard a soft "Hm?" from the other side of the room.  
"You know those...um... _pictures_...Charlie showed us?" Todd asked.  
"Sure," said Neil, "What about them?"  
"What was the point exactly?"   
Neil laughed.  
"You mean like...what's the big deal?" he clarified.  
"Yeah!" said Todd gratefully.  
"Hell if I know," said Neil, laughing again.  
This time Todd joined him. It felt good to laugh. Even if he didn't know exactly why they were laughing.   
There was a pause, and then Neil said, "Todd, you know I'm gay, right?"  
Todd did not.  
"I--of course!" he sputtered, feeling silly.  
Neil laughed a third time.  
"Liar!" he teased.  
Todd blushed, and felt glad Neil couldn't see it. Sometimes he was grateful for the darkness.  
"Am--am _I_ gay?" Todd asked nervously.  
"You're asking _me?_ "  
"Well...yeah," said Todd lamely.  
"I don't know," Neil told him, "Maybe."  
"How would I know?" Todd asked, "How did _you_ know?"  
Neil was quiet as he thought it over.  
"I met someone."  
Todd felt those words like a punch to the gut. _What am I supposed to say to that? And why does it bother me so much?_  
"Todd?"  
Todd realized he had been quiet for too long.  
"I'm here!" he said quickly.  
"Good," said Neil, "Is everything okay?"  
"Of course!"  
The words sounded forced and automatic, even to Todd.  
"If you say so," said Neil.  
Neither boy said another word after that, and eventually they both drifted off to sleep.  
***  
The next morning when Neil woke up, his roommate was already gone. Neil sighed and sat down on Todd's bed. It was still warm.   
_He must have just left. Which means he probably won't be back for a while._ Neil lied back on Todd's bed. It smelled nice. It smelled like Todd. _Todd_. Neil let his mind wander to Todd's blonde hair and his cute little smile. Neil imagined what those lips would feel like pressed against his.   
Neil let his hand drift down to his crotch and palmed himself through his boxers, letting his mind get lost in the fantasy. He was just about to start jerking off in earnest when the door clicked open. Neil pulled his hand away and quickly stood at attention.  
"Todd!"


	2. Poems

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're reading this...thank you!! I'll try to upload another chapter by the end of the week. :)

Neil and Todd looked at each other, their gazes locked. Neil's eyes were wide with guilt, but Todd's stare was one of confusion. Neil's heart thumped wildly in his chest. It seemed to say  _ he knows _ with every beat. Todd blinked dazedly.  _ He knows he knows he knows. _ Neil gritted his teeth and thought of their upcoming Latin test, silently willing his semi out of existence. 

"It's just me," Todd said at last, scratching the back of his neck.

Whether that meant Todd thought Neil had nothing to hide or whether it meant that Todd simply didn't care if Neil had been masturbating Neil did not know, but he was grateful for the sentiment all the same.

"Just you," Neil echoed softly.

Something about the tender way Neil said this made Todd feel like his chest would burst and he hurried to gather his books so he could leave. He didn't trust himself to be alone with his roommate much longer.

***

The rest of the morning passed largely without incident, but when it came time for Mr. Keating's class Todd's luck had run out. It seemed their English teacher was in rare form, barreling around the classroom like an unruly comet and luring unsuspecting students into his orbit. Most of Todd's classmates allowed themselves to be swept up in Mr. Keating's passion for the subject, but Todd was not feeling so bold. His stomach flopped unpleasantly when Mr. Keating called on him.

"Mr. Anderson! Come on, are you a man or an amoeba?"

_ How am I supposed to know why language was developed? _ Todd thought miserably.  _ Most days I wish I didn't have to use it at all. _

After a brief and uncomfortable silence, Neil came to his rescue with a timid answer.

"To communicate?"

But apparently this was not what Mr. Keating had been looking for.

"No!" he declared, "To woo women."

This earned a light chuckle from the room, but the statement only increased Todd's anxiety.  _ Who am I going to woo with my stupid stutter? _

As the lesson progressed, Todd allowed his fears about the future to drift to the back of his mind. In fact, he'd almost forgotten about the earlier unpleasantness of being called upon when Mr. Keating announced that they'd each have to write a poem to read aloud in front of the class. Todd's stomach lurched.

_ What can I possibly write about? I have nothing to say. _


	3. Hands

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos! Y'all inspired me to get off my butt and un-abandon this fic. :)

"Starting a collection of crumpled up pieces of paper?"  
The sound of Neil's voice startled Todd and he instinctively covered what felt like his millionth attempt at a poem. Neil raised his eyebrows at the gesture.  
"I didn't hear you come in," Todd said by way of explanation.  
Neil cracked a smile.  
"Clearly."  
Neil tossed his books unceremoniously on his bed and sighed.  
"I don't know what to write, either, Todd. It's like my brain has suddenly turned to porridge."  
Todd shrugged and Neil moved to stand over him.  
"Move your hand. I want to see what you have."  
It was a question...sort of...but it wasn't phrased like one.  
 _He's so bossy._  
"It's no good."  
"At least you have something. I just spent an hour in the library staring at the same blank page."  
Todd shrugged again.  
"Please can I read it, Todd, oh _please?_ " Neil whined, leaning on Todd's shoulders to peer down at the paper.  
Todd's insides suddenly felt very scrambled.  
 _Whatever you want._  
He moved his hand to let Neil read.

**hell is other people**   
**but it's my heaven, too**   
**I hate to talk to strangers**   
**but I love to talk to you**   
**and isn't it romantic that we're not in love at all?**   
**isn't it just lovely**   
**when you touch me?**   
**how I swear that**   
**I can barely**   
**feel a thing?**

Neil, mercifully, did not read the poem out loud. The downside of this, however, was that Todd couldn't tell when he'd finished. The moment dragged on for so long that Todd was sure he could've read all of War and Peace in the time it took Neil to stare in silence at his poem.  
Finally Neil asked, "Is it a love poem?"  
"No," said Todd quickly.  
Neil removed himself from his roommates shoulders and took a sheepish step back, an absence that manifested in Todd as an immediate physical ache.  
"Or maybe it is," he amended, not daring to look back at Neil.  
"You're the poet. Wouldn't you know what it is?"  
"It's nothing," Todd insisted, "It's rambling."  
"I like it. I think it really captures the feeling of denial."  
Todd bristled.  
"Not that you're in..." Neil trailed off.  
"No," Todd said coldly, "Not that I am."  
Neil scrubbed a hand awkwardly across the back of his neck.  
"Are you going to give it to her?"  
"Her?"  
"Mr. Keating said language was invented to woo women."  
"Women," Todd repeated tonelessly.  
Neil bit his lip.  
"Not...women?"  
"I don't want to talk about it," said Todd.  
 _But..._  
"What do you want to do?"  
Todd's heart was in his throat.  
"I want...I want..."  
Suddenly he was out of his chair and on his feet and standing right in front of Neil. Neil grabbed Todd's hands and stared at him with wide eyes. For one shining moment Todd thought he might be brave enough to close the distance between them, but then his resolve wilted once more. He dropped his head guiltily.  
"Oh, God, please don't tell. I know you know."  
Neil squeezed his hands and rested his forehead on Todd's.  
"It's alright."  
"How do you do it?" Todd mumbled, "Every day you do it, walking around knowing this about yourself. Knowing that other people know. I can't stand it and I haven't even said it."  
His voice was equal parts anguished and admiring.  
"Maybe...maybe if you did say it...maybe that would help."  
Neil sounded as uncertain as Todd had every heard him. It was disquieting to think that not even Neil had all the answers.  
"It's about you," Todd admitted, "The poem."  
It wasn't the big "it," but it was something.  
Neil let out a soft breath through his nose. They were so close that it tickled Todd's face and he smiled.  
"Maybe I should write one about you," said Neil, and Todd burned.  
He wondered if Neil could feel the heat coming off his skin from where their foreheads still touched. _Please do,_ he thought, and stroked his thumbs absently across the backs of Neil's hands. They stayed that way in comfortable quiet--some sort of mutual trance, perhaps--until the bell rang for dinner.


	4. Eyes

"Mr. Anderson, I see you sitting there in agony."

The poem Todd had written the evening prior sat heavily in his pocket. That single sheet of paper, nothing but a tiny wad after being folded six times over, seemed to scorch him with its contents. Todd wouldn't have been surprised to find a cigar burn on his skin in the place where it pressed against his thigh. Like the tell-tale heart, Todd's poem seemed to thump its terrible pulse for all to hear. 

"I-I didn't do it. I didn't write a poem."

_ Mr. Keating can tell you're lying. Everyone can. They know what you've got in your pocket. They know what you did. They know what you want to do still. _

"Mr. Anderson thinks that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Isn't that right, Todd? Isn't that your worst fear?"

Todd thought of the Pritchard scale. _ The objective of my poem is not important (worthless), nor has it been artfully rendered (embarrassing). _

"Well, I think you're wrong," Mr. Keating went on, "I think you have something inside of you that is worth a great deal."

Todd's stomach lurched. No adult had ever spoken to him like that before, and the words almost reached him. He was glad when Mr. Keating turned away from him to write on the board. He wasn't sure how much longer he could've taken that stare.

"I sound my barbaric YAWP over the rooftops of the world. -W.W." Mr. Keating recited aloud as he scrawled.

And then, to Todd's absolute horror, he was forced to give a demonstration. Part of him, though, he had to admit, relished in the excuse to forget the world and yell--YAWP--as loudly as he could. 

The next few minutes were a blur, perhaps due in part to the fact that he spent a lot of it being spun in circles with his eyes closed as he pulled a poem out of thin air. The one thing he experienced with true clarity, however, was the way Neil looked at him when he was finished. It was so raw and sweet that Todd's heart wanted to climb out of his throat. If Mr. Keating's encouragement had brought him out of his comfort zone, Neil's eyes had taken him to a new place entirely. Adrenaline rushed through Todd's body and his nerves were alive with the urge to DO something.

"Don't you forget this," said Mr. Keating.

_ I won't. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was just a bit of exposition for the smut that's coming. I felt like I needed to show a shift in Todd between his gay panic last chapter and his total shamelessness in the one I'm about to write. I know this was short, but I hope you enjoyed it and you can look forward to some sexier stuff in the next upload! ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Please feed your friendly neighborhood author! She eats comments and kudos. :)


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